breaking ground

for THE FIRST TIME in my life, i am contemplating spending not less that $55 to go see people play music on a stage, probably from very far away if i do opt for the cheap-ass ticket. who, you might ask, is fantastic enough to arouse interest in an activity which has previously held little to no attraction for me. why would i, haveing only been to three concerts in my entire life, none of which i was capitalized for, suddenly decide to spend a relatively great sum to watch people i don't know play music.
this anwser is, as you may well know, that SIMON AND FUCKING GARFUNKEL are on tour. TOGETHER. besides being graced with what is simultaneously one of the most ludicrious and most daedal names in all of musicdom, they are, indubitably, also some of the best songwriters and musicians out there. sure, they went off and had their own careers...well, actually, i guess you don't hear to much about garfunkel...but anyway, as far as i'm concerned, the best material either one of these cats ever turned out was "back in the day", when they were AND.
so there you have it. why i'm breaking tradition, and thinking about spending my hard-earned money to listen to music i could hear in the comfort of my own room. it's crazy, i know, but it just might might. i'll leave you with the following; a few things that happened in my english class today:
our teacher came with with his tie standing fully erect, straight out from his neck. supported by a piece of wire, this was the result of a discussion last class which touched upon phallic symbols. the fun was not over. one of the highest rated essay titles of the day was "i have a heart-one for the tell-tale heart." the phallic escapades continuted, with one of my classmates crafting a crude phallus out of the tie wire, which had been earlier bestowed upon him by the professor. this delightful piece of art was then hung from a hook near the front of the class, bringing to the minds of some the image of a prince albert. are we obessessed with sex, and, by extention, penises? discuss.

holy shit man

flashy!

holy mother of shit. seriously.

this post has too much CAPITALIZATION

hot fucking DAMN.
yes, that's right. in an effor to make myself EVEN MORE sexier, i ran/jogged 2.75 miles, - or, THIRTY MINUTES - today. i realize that to some/most of you, this probably isn't that impressive; perhaps you eat such teensie amounts of exercise for breakfast, but for me this is BREAK-THROUGH. hopefully, this heralds a new age of me being in shape. viva la ben!

also, i saw a man today wearing CAPRI PANTS. what the FUCK.

oh, and here's another little TIDBIT for y'all. i acutally know someone who uses "y'all" in everyday speech, and not for comic effect, as i sometimes do. her name is rachel, she is from tennessee, and she enjoys old movies. now, back the promised TIDBIT:
i have grown tired, as i am wont to do, of the page design here. this means that sometime in the future it will change. it may not be there NEAR future, but rest assured that it WILL happen. accompanying this transformation with be a "re-vamping" of the pictures section. so i re-iterate: send me pictures, that i may share them with the world. there was much talk in the comments of pictures which COULD have been sent to me, but as yet none have found their way into my mournful and empty inbox. so put your money, or, as is the case here, your pictures, where you mouth, or is this case, text, is, and send them to me POST-HASTE. as you should already know, my address is squattingturnip(at)benspants(dot)com. i implore.

something delightful

at some point in your life, if you haven't already, you should go to somthingawful. it's like a haven of beauty and righteousness in the festering sea of filth that is the internet. in the interested of spread the Good Word, i've elected to share with you a few snipits from an event they hold every so often - every friday, perhaps - called "photoshop phriday." note the ingenious mis-spelling. now without further ado.
mothere should not look at most of these.
zach, i thought of you.
and kyle, of course.
the few of you who get why this one is funny, damn well better laugh.
EXCELLENT!
kyle, you should appreciate this.
i am honestly not sure whether to laugh or cry.
ok, i think that's enough fun for one night. don't you?

seven dollar sandwich

i guess this place isn't so bad...this girl just bought me a seven dollar sandwich when i didn't have the money to do so myself. sure, she was a little bit drunk. but still. it was pretty cool. made my evening. especially after i just got my ass handed to me by the goddamn night elves and their stupid demigod. bitches.

also, to wax dave barry for a moment, i think "seven dollar sandwich" would be a great name for a rock band.

flight of the navigator

for some reason, i just thought of this movie all of a sudden. in my opinion, one of the truely great 80s movies. anyone who hasn't seen it deffinity should. i mean...damn. it was just so cool. i need to find a copy so i can watch it again. some kids grew up on littler mermaid and so on, i grew up on this.

OMG

AAAAAAAA!!!!!!!

(from that guy)

naughty pictures!

ok, so i finally got around to updating the pictures section with the photos andrew gave me before we last parted ways. they're sore of scattered aroung with the rest of the pictures, but they're all there, yes indeed. i though i'd also take this opportunity to make a request: if any of you have pictures that you think should be up here, then please send them to me, e-mail-ish. i'll get them up as fast as i can (faster than i got these up, i can tell you), and if i get enough, it'll even convince me to start organizing them somehow. and maybe even make the pictures page pretty again. kudos to anyone who remebers what it looked like back in the day.
so, please send me your pictures. we need them! we need them to LIVE!

well holy mother of crap

check this shit out. don't ask me how i found it, since i can't really remeber, but holy batcrap is it cool.

also, since i know all of you are worrying about what to buy me for christmas, may i reccomend the following. i suggest you coodinate, however, since i only need ony copy. someone else could always buy me maladroit.

450 gallons of fake blood

you should all go see kill bill, vol. 1.
it is cool for a number of reasons. one, as you may have guessed from my little title there, is the copious amount of fake blood involved. the blood is aparently under a great deal of pressure, since when people loose their limbs/heads/tops of heads - and believe me, THEY DO - the aforementioned blood sprays out like some perverse human sprinkler.
if that REALLY doesn't sound like you thing, you probably shouldn't see this movie. about fourty minutes, or pretty much the entire last half, consists of uma thurman dismembering a very large number of very unforntuate japanese men, dispatching at least two japanese women in interesting ways, and seperating parts of julia dreyfus from her body. on a brighter note, early in the film she comes into possession of a large bright yellow pickup with the words "pussy wagon" emblazoned across the tailgate in 70s-style goovy letters. basically, there is alot of death - no, make the a tremendous amoung of death - in this film. i mean, what can you expect from a movie called "kill bill", which, by the way, doesn't happen until the second part.
one of the coolest things about this, and indeed, about quenin tarantino movies in general (ok, i've only seen pulp fiction), was the excellent use of music. he seems rather fond or maraichi-style guitar riffs that sound like they belong in spagetti westerns, but also sound just perfect in this movie. in fact, i thought it SO good, that when i found a copy in the radio station, i ran back to my room, got a blank CD, and burned myself a copy. huge sacrifice, i know. but it was worth it. the only thing that cheeses me off is that i'm going to have to wait a while for the second one. speaking of which, spliting your movies in two seems to be getting really popular. first harry potter, now kill bill...man, what next. shit...i'm too tired to speculate on that. it's three in the morning and i haven't eaten as much as i should have today. so, good see the movie, and good night.

oh, by the way. i've figured out what's wrong with night in california. you cannot see the stars. the light pollution is too great...it always looks like it's just before morning. it's not right.

tonight on happy days

the fonz went blind. i thought happy days was supposed to be...well...happy. but the fonz going blind? i mean, ronnie howard got all pissed at him, and the fonz threw his milk, and all sorts of stuff. it was scary. but then ronnie made him put his bike back together, and then of course he could see again, and it was all happy again. but for a while there...it was just scary.

in the spirit of hating stuff...

http://www.savethemales.ca/
ok, i had to post that, not only for because the address amuses me to no end, but also because it has some simply DELIGHTFUL articles on it. i didn't have time to read many of them, but my favorite thus far is "why men are loosing interesting in women." it's the second article, with the picture of a woman and tha caption "she's a man." apart from being, at least in my opinion, blatantly untrue, it also contains such morsels of widsom as "despite what feminism says, most women want to belong to one man, their husband," "with patience and firmness, some feminists can be saved," the fact that femenism is, in fact, an illuminati conspiracy, and that the woman's role is to empower the man. a seperate article also presents a case that it was, in fact, the jews that were responsible for planes running into the world trade center. yet another one has the title "it's 1984 in massachusetts - and big brother is gay".
discuss.

an idea

see, i'm going to be back in town - that is, corvallis - in time to see the opening of return of the king, and i was wondering if any of you would like to go see it with me, since i think that would be cool. obviously advance tickets would be required, as would deciding what showtime, but i just thought i'd throw the idea out there. it opens the 16th or 17th. i'm not sure...

kurt, what were you thinking?

mere words are insufficient

to describe how EXCITED i am about this. it's kind of like...realizing you're about to have the best sex of your pitiful life.

and if you don't understand the implications of the pictures behind that link, i think it's time i re-evaluated why you're my friend.

from the people who brought you stinkykick

another delightful item from our friends over at atomictoy.org.