i've always dreamt this day would come

Which Survivor of the Impending Nuclear Apocalypse Are You?
A Rum and Monkey joint.

i feel like r l stine.

ok, so tonight i watched once upon a time in mexico, to which i have to say that when i see it again - as i likely will - it will not be from the second row, comfy as the seats may have been. perhaps the coolest part of the movie was antonio's - for lack of better word - hand cannon. as near as i could tell, it was a pistol-sized shotgun, which i was just tempted to call a jewish shotgun, tasteless as that may be. what was particularly impressive was that antonio was able to fire it one-handed, and the force from this weapon was suffecient to send foes flying across the room, or, in at least one case, seperate the flesh from their bones. yes, really. the second coolest part was the enourmous cello-like guitar case which converted into a remote control bomb. i swear there was a party in my pants when he set that baby off. the only wierd thing was that there were two character who i SWEAR died in desperado, but appeared here again. one: the kid. ok, maybe it was the SAME kid...i saw desperado a while ago. but he looked damn similar. two: the ugly mexiCAN (heh heh) with the moustache. we never saw him with his shirt off, but i'm pretty damn sure he had the tatoo.
anyway, i think that's enough for now...it was cool. go see it. yes, johnny depp is hot. but sadly guys, salma is in the movie very, very little. yes, i was sad. there's the other chick...eva mendes, who is also hot, but also not in the movie much. i guess they just assumed the eye candy for the (straight) men would be shit blowing up.
so. fun movie. watch it. bed now.

yeah, uh, i don't really know what's up with that. i noticed that this morning, and i have no idea what's up. maybe they'll come back...
that delightful little woman there, by the way, is gigi edgley, who plays chiana on farscape. she is grey, and wears black. it is delecious.

probably the hottest woman on earth.

it will be mine, oh yes. it WILL be mine.

thought i couldn't get even more bored and lonely? think again!

"Your pirate name is:

Black Tom Rackham

Like anyone confronted with the harshness of robbery on the high seas, you can be pessimistic at times. You have the good fortune of having a good name, since Rackham (pronounced RACKem, not rack-ham) is one of the coolest sounding surnames for a pirate. Arr! "

from fidius.org.

holy shit.

solid snake is, by far, the most badass human being EVER.

as i do, every so often when i'm bored, here are the 20 top search strings that lead to this site, in order:
band
benspants
pants
ben's pants
dennis lerry
fishing sex
pants photos
pict073
the terrible mr grimshaw
amazing fishing pics
anatomy
angry
ben bateman
cheetahgirl
final fantasy anime linaly pictures
fishing pants
hamock
holy fuck sex
i wrote the blaster
leaving country

personally, several of these are rather confusing. for example, why did searching for "band" constitue almost 12% of the searches that lead to our site? or hamock? why would HAMOCK lead to this site? and what ON EARTH is "i wrote the blaster" suposed to mean? i mean CRIPES. it doesn't make any sense!

JET SET RADIOOO!!!! FUTURE!

ha HA! i am currently wrapping up my first ever radio broadcast. it kicked, and is currently continuing to kick, ass. have to play some stuff they pick out, but it's not too bad. anyway, you all SHOULD have listened, but i'll be, eventually, posting all of the songs i played, so all you'll miss is my delightful voice serenading you over the airwaves. gotta sign off now. talk to you all later.

edit: for your viewing pleasure, i've uploaded one of my projects for visual storytelling. you're just getting the one because the other two suck. no, really, they do. i'm not just being modest or something here, you really don't want to see them. anyway, hope you enojoy this one.

jesus fucking christ

anne you are a sick woman. why did you make me look at this.

motherfucking crap

you'd think it wouldn't be this hard to write write a simple essay about your english class. you would, of course, be wrong. like me. fuck.

JET SET RADIOOOOO!!!!

ok, tonight SHOULD be the night. as rivers might say, "tonight, i'm down on my knees, tonight, i'm begging you please." at one in the morning, going here should allow you to hear my melodious voice come and serenade you over the, uh, internet waves. yes, it says ben bertema, and i do not know why. as pike has postulated on the message board, perhaps the web designers were on something, perhaps penis. nonetheless, what you hear SHOULD be yours truely. if not...well, i just don't know. ok, i need to work on the playlist now. toodles.

holy shit man

ok, this is primarily for those of you who read this who share my fascination with anime. other need not apply.

last night i watched final fantasy: the legend of crystals, or some shit like that. anyway, it's about how this, uh, guy wants to become deathgyro-somthing, and to do this he needs a huge disembodied brain and the crystals of earth, wind, water and air. he's already gotten three of them, linaly, the 10 year old girl with the shortest "skirt" know to man, and her "loyal dog-like follower pratz/pretz/prattz must keep him from getting the crystal of the wind. when they find it, the crystal shoves itself into her chest - keep in mind that this crystal is easily two and half feet long, and probably at least a foot in diameter - and then causes her buttocks to glow. yes. it makes her ass glow. i am not even kidding. if that wasn't enough, there's phallic symbolism EVERYWHERE, including some of the most frightening trees i have ever seen. yes. there is also, of course, the obligatory jesse-like sky pirate, and the fucking HUGE military guy who falls in love with her, and must choose between his duty to the military, and his passion. yes. oh, it gets better. jesse/rouge's troup of pirates is a large number of...somewhat...portly ladies wearing two-pieces and 50's-style 3D glasses. yes. the highlight of the movie, however, occured while trying to find the magic flying dragon. yes. that's what it was called. it also had mystic powers. so in order to um, do something, it would take too long to explain, linaly steps into the circle of light. yeah, brilliant. so anyway, she does this and, get ready, light starts pouring out of her, shinning over to this huge rock, um, shaft, and causeing either it to rise of the water around it to go down. normal enough. but here comes the i-swear-the-animators-have-some-serious-unresolved-sexual-issues-holy-fucking-shit part: the light does come out of her eyes, or mouth, or even hands, all of which would have been OK, if a bit wierd. no, this beam of light comes streaming out of her ASS. yes. that well-formed 10 year old ass, which the view has been treated to a prolonged viewing of, thanks to the shortest skirt ever. i swear whoever made this movie likes to fuck girls in a very uncomfertable place, and i don't mean the back of a volkswagon. there's some other crazy shit that goes on in this movie, such as linaly summoning a tremendous amount of naked yellow chocobos to destory the villian, and pratz's sword, which has GOT to be compensating for something, and pratz's motorcycle which is, in fact, the coolest such vehicle ever. but it was the ass thing that really made me go "holy fuck, what the hell IS this shit?"

anyway, i think that's enough for now. see you all later.

it's like a bad trip, i think

ok, a couple of things.

one, we watched mulholland drive in film aesthetics class the other day. my own experience with drugs is extremely limited, but this movie has convinced me never to try hallucinogen, as i decided it was pretty much what a bad trip would be like. indeed, i felt somewhat stoned just from the process of watching this film. i will be watching it again soon.

two, i have friends. yes, i know i have all you guys, but you are, according to mapquest, 935.73 miles away, which makes much meaningful interaction somewhat unlikely. yes, i cry. BUT, progress HAS been made in the new friends front. and they are not primarily women, which is often the case. not to toot my own horn here, i'm just usually more motivated to make friend with girls because i want to, you know, fuck them. i hope you won't be too depressed by this latest development, but i know you're all strong, and know that i still love you, no matter what.

three, my roommate has been watching the last temptation of christ in a david lynch sort of manner. that is, not necessarily chronologically. which stars, as you may or may not know, willem fucking dafoe. i know that if i was jesus, and i was looking down from heaven in 1988 when they cast will as me, i would have been all "fuck yeah. you the man, dog." he's just that cool. i did think it a little strange that someone who i find to easily be awfully creepy was cast as, you know, jesus. it just seemed a little strange. but it could have been wierder, i suppose. jesus could have been christopher walken, or james earl jones, or keanu reeves...the list goes on. anyway, it seemed like a pretty cool movie, and maybe when i'm in the mood for a religious experience (ha), i'll watch it.
also watched the city of lost children or la cité des enfants perdus, for those of you who speak thelanguagee of paris. a movie staring ron perlman, whom i have decided i rather like, and judith vittet, who was, hands down, the cutest little orphan i've ever seen in my life. fuck annie, this chick could kick her ass. shame she's a little, uh, young. acutally i take it back. she's only a year younger than me. SCORE. in case you were unaware, la cité des enfants perdus is directed by the delightful jean-pierre jeunet who was responsible for the delectable le fabuleux destin d'amélie poulain. like amélie, city relied heavily on saturated and unboudtedly enhanced color. there was, as in amélie, a predominance of reds and greens, but the entire movie had a much darker feel. an interesting note: for those of you who remember the jealous boyfriend in amélie, he plays not less than...uh...somewhere in the ballpark of six or seven characters. all but one of them clones. it's rather humorous at times.
anyway, i think i'm done for now. toodles all. miss miss miss missing you.

arg.

yeah, so if i'm talking to you on aim and suddenly disappear, it's because the internet SUCKS. and i think i broke it. it has little or nothing to do with you.

yo-ho-ho

ok, so in my search for cool music from oregon (and washington, and so on) for my radio show, i came across these guys. they seemed particularly timely given the recent release of a certian johnny depp movie, which will all know and love. so for your listening pleasure, i've uploaded two of their songs. well, one of these isn't WRITTEN by them, but i think this interpretation renders it an entierly different song. anyway, enjoy.

friends, oregonians, countrymen

ok guys. an gals. i've always though "gals" was a funny word. anyway.
i've got a radio show. it's at something like i in the morning saturday night. which would, i supose, be sunday. anyway, you can listen (when it starts up) at www.chapmanradio.com, since they stream it over the internet. anyway, I NEED YOUR HELP!
i've decided to do a show focus primarily on music from the northwest. this means our great sate, OREGON! so, i need you guys to give me names, cds, whatever of local bands so i can play them on my show. i've already got lunar vibe, amadan, jason webley and cap gun suicide, but i need more. four bands, with a smattering of nirvana and such is not going to cut it. i'd especially like to get ahold of galen, and the boy seems pretty up on the local music scene. i don't know if he's got an e-mail address or ever reads the site, but if someone could tell him to get ahold of me, that'd be just GREAT. anyway, i need anything you can help me with as soon as possible (ASAP), so i can get my stuff underway. and, of course, those who help with get a shout-out from me, because they rule. thanks all.

you really probably don't want to read this.

ok.
i had this really fucked-up dream the other night. this might acutally be kind of disturbing to some people, so if you're adverse to describtions of somewhat graphic, uh, grossness, involving the inside of bodies, don't read on.


i'm warning you.



so anyway, i've got these stretch marks on my body in a couple places from being too fat. or overweither, or whatever. that's not what we're discussing here. i've just got them. som near my armpits, and some near the bottom of my gut. they're this kind of wierd looking slightly reddish stripers where it looks, literally, like the skin has been stretched, kind of broken under the surface, and sort of healed. which is, likely, what has happened. anyway, i was haveing this dream last night, and i was looking at them more closely in the dream, and i realized that they acutaly did break the surface, just without blood. they were kind of liks rifts into my insides. somewhere along the line here, they got really big, and i was able to be looking at them in ways the laws of physics shouldn't allow, but this was a dream so it was OK. so anyway, i'm looking at them, and i start to sort of dig around, since i can see inside my stomach, and there's all these sort of body insides looking things, and like alot of people i'm perversely drawn to shit like that becuase it's, well...kind of disgusting. wierd enough. i mean, usually my dreams are TOTALLY nonsensical. but i'm sort of looking around in there, and i see somethat that looks kind of roundish and metallic, and i take a look, and there's fucking soda cans inside my stomach. not crushed, or anything, like i'd eaten them, just there, kinda covered in some of that blood and ooze gunk. like babies. but they're clearly empty, and not really good for anything, so i start pulling them out, becuase they don't belong there. and of course, it feels a little wierd. it feels like i'm pulling things out of my body. i don't know how i know that, because i don't recall ever really pulling things out of my body like that, but it's kind of disgusting and satisfying all at that same time, sort of like pulling of a really badass pizza-like scab. i think at about this point i woke up or something, becuase i really don't remeber any more, if there was any more. the only reason i'm writing about this is that this dream has stuck with me all day, and occasionaly the thought of it causes mild discomfort. so i had to tell SOMEONE, and i figured you guys...well, i don't know what i thought you'd do. anyway, if you have any ideas about this MEANS anything, or if you just want me to shut the hell up and stop oversharing...well, you know what to do. the best i can figure, my body is telling me that i need to stop drinking soda, because it's bad for me, which seems a little to obvious. but then, maybe it's just occam's razor.

anyway, sorry if that disturbed or disgusted you any more than standard interaction with yours truely does. it was just driving me nuts.
like the steering wheel in my pants.
ha ha.

a little something for natalie

as you requested