nach dem speil
ist vor dem speil.

i'm really starting to feel like my world is falling down around me. it's rather tiresome really.

i'll have these great emotional highs where i'll feel just super (yes, ha, ha), but then something, a world, an image, an sugestion of things which might or might not have happened, and down i go. no fun indeed. that's part of the reason i cut my hair; i thought i needed a change, something different. it might be helping, it's still a little early to tell, but i still really don't know. i'm really starting to grow tired of life. tired of doing the same things day in and day out, tired or never feeling motivated to do anything, tired of being cold, and eating the same goddamn goop every single day (you knew it was comming), tired of lieing to the world so that it won't worry about me, when in all likelyhood it isn't anyway. it just pretends to so that it can feel better about itself. but i'm getting a little too cynical here...bah. oh well.

and i wonder... does anyone acutally read this? and if they do, how dull...three boys whinning about thier lives... but i'm one of those three; i have no right to criticize. ah well.

good night for now.

well poo...looks like i missed something... ah well, it doesn't look like it was a particularly happy something. :( oh well.

as a friend of mine says: sometimes i cry.

or at least i wish i would.

my horoscope for today:
Insecurity could get the best of you. Everyone experiences it in their lives from time to time - some more than others. Often this is born of fear: fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of loss, and even fear of success are all common culprits for feelings of anxiety. Today's Moon-Saturn conjunction urges you to take time to uncover the root cause of your feelings so you can get past them and seize the opportunities that are before you.

oh...and brodie, it's letting you edit other people's stuff because i gave both of you guys admin status. i thought we should all be on the same level. ;) just don't abuse your new-found power.

i am going to do my best not to sound deep or philosphical, becuase as a friend of mine once said, that often just comes across as sounding stupid. so here goes nothing: many people confuse apathy with lack of desire. lack of desire means you do not want, apathy means that you reject things becuase you feel you shouldn't want them. this is really only another form of desire; the desire to push things away so that you can feel like you're doing something; that by rejecting that things you enjoy you are somehow making yourself into a better person. you hate yourself when you want things, because you think you shouldn't want them becuase you want them. all you get is more pain. this is not enlightenment. i cannot tell you what enlightenment is, because i'm not enlightened. to try and not feel desire is bullshit. if you do not desire, you do not want, if you do not want, you have lost your will to live. desire is part of the natural scheme of things. just as you cannot have good without evil, how can you have satisfaction without desire? one extreme cannot be judged or percieved without the other.

well poop...i guess that came out sounding kindo philisophical after all. ah well. just say like jay would, and you should be fine. ;) auf wierderhoren.

if you don't go for it, someone else will.

latest news in my life. i went and saw the dalai lama. he was extremely cool; i'm usually not big on relegious leaders and such, and they're usualy rather pompus, but he seemed like a cool down-to-earth type of guy. and i agreed with just about all of what he was saying. it was an enjoyable experience. and the bus ride up and back kicked ass as well. i had so much fun i nearly pissed myself. ok, maybe not that much, but it was a blast.


in other news, i found this on my way to play pool with ubertopher and brodie. we all thought that it was very interesting and possibly life-altering. so here it is, for your edification. enjoy.

found here.


keep trying to grab onto this one reason to live.
keep trying to understand a dream i know has no meaning
putting together random facts, words and statements looking
for some universal pattern. some concept that everyone else
was born with but i have to learn.. somehow.. the hard way.
if i cry during a movie at the part where the director wanted
me to cry.. then are those tears even real? all the hundreds of
people who worked on that film knew i was supposed to cry at
that moment, so how can that be authentic?
so do i stare at the truth and burn in its honesty
or do i just find happiness in a blind lie?

:)

wohoo!! update! i added some wallpaper of me and brodie, and a conversation between me and me pretending to be brodie. enjoy.

a little of everything. ;) I was hinting at something, and try to be philosophical, but mostly i was just trying to out-do brodie in terms of "deep" writing. do you really think my soul can use the internet?

is it better to be happy because you believe a lie, or to be miserable becuase you know the truth?

if we cannot trust the people we love, then who can we trust? humanity is a dark and deceptive maze, so much so that when we do encounter a kind and honest soul, we look upon them with suspision and contempt. we hide things from the people we care most about, and we cannot explain why. we look toward tomarrow, but it offers only the same monotonous chaos. perhaps the universe is not so clean-cut as we believe. i envy people who believe in something. at least it offers something to turn to.

It's 10:51 at night. I should be in bed right now, but I'm not. Instead, I'm here, writing this. I just got some tabs...lets see here...One Tin Soldier, Don't Fear The Reaper, Stairway to Heaven, Completly Miserable, and My Own Worst Enemy. I'm pumped.

Fight Club is a very cool movie. Just thought I'd point that out. So is Six-String Samurai, although it's much less well known. Someday I'll make movies that good. Maybe even better. Someday. But for now, I need to go to bed. So see you all later!

Good night children, everywhere.